


Katja's Guide to the Sburbpocalypse

by MysticalUshanka



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Featuring, Gen, Original Character(s), POV First Person, SBURB (Homestuck), a character who needs therapy but can't get it, aa how does anyone tag things, also this is my first work, author addresses the reader, my own take on sburb's mechanics, no canon characters, that's not really the point anyways, there may be explicit scenes but i haven't written any, uhh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29042307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticalUshanka/pseuds/MysticalUshanka
Summary: As I sit in this dead session, with no remaining friends, with paradox space bearing down on me, I've realized that I can't just fade away into nothingness. To accept oblivion and erase failure like the attempt was never made is an utter waste of the knowledge and experience gained in the process. I've spoken with my Denizen, ascended, and made my Choice. As I write these words, a gateway opens before me. I can't save my friends, or my session, or even myself. But I can save others.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Sburb Glitch FAQ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/340777) by [GodsGiftToGrinds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GodsGiftToGrinds/pseuds/GodsGiftToGrinds). 



> I've had this project in the works for a few months now, and I originally wanted to wait until I had more written, but I realized that I had a whole finished section and sort of just said "fuck it". This isn't my first experience writing, but this is the first work I'm posting for the public (mainly because the other ones aren't even close to being postable yet).
> 
> So I hope whoever would enjoy this finds it. I know there's always an audience somewhere if you just put yourself out there and look for them.

As I sit in this dead session, with no remaining friends, with paradox space bearing down on me, I've realized that I can't just fade away into nothingness. To accept oblivion and erase failure like the attempt was never made is an utter waste of the knowledge and experience gained in the process. I've spoken with my Denizen, ascended, and made my Choice. As I write these words, a gateway opens before me. I can't save my friends, or my session, or even myself. But I can save others.

Alright. I’m writing this section a few days after coming to terms with having lost everyone I cared about in addition to abandoning our doomed session via my Choice. Thinking about anything is still pretty depressing so I’ve decided to get started on this stupid guide already. Part of the deal was that I couldn’t be _too_ spoilery with this, but I was assured that my own discretion would be sufficient to meet this requirement.

Besides, even if I do overstep the boundaries, what are they gonna do? Kill me? lol

It’s me from the future again. Not present me? Even though I’m present me for me? Fuck this time bullshit. I’m not sure how Time Bullshit affects a broadcasted document like this, but I made sure to give all versions of myself admin to edit the document, even though every other version of me is dead or whatever. I realized I should explain my situation a bit more instead of making another section for it later should questions arise, and the title of this section IS ‘Introduction’ anyways.

My name is Kat. Me and a group of friends played SBURB, which resulted in the destruction of our planet. We had no idea if we were the only humans to do so. We didn’t get far, and most of us died, meaning all of us except me died. Multiple times each actually, but I’ll get to that later.

I sat around for a few days, and in retrospect I acknowledge that I was probably actually like legit depressed, which I think makes sense. Anyways, I eventually went to my Denizen, because I figured that’s kind of just what you do at that point. I also figured that since I’m a Doom player I could probably do some magic doomy shit to make any part of my situation better. Turns out that was the right thing to do, and now instead of waiting out my existence in a shrinking pocket of reality, I’m basically replaying SBURB forever.

Remember that gateway I mentioned while I was being dramatic in the first paragraph? That didn’t stop being a thing that was true.

I’ve been taken to another session. Another living session with (mostly) living people from Earth. It’s kind of bittersweet? I probably need therapy. Anyways I’m basically serving as a substitute for their friend Liam who got killed by a meteor before the game started. I’m not really supposed to be too helpful according to my Choice, but if the difference between their victory and defeat lies in my hands, I’ve got the green light to help out.

My main job here is to take notes. I was granted the opportunity to make this guide as an alternative to fading away, so it's not like I have much room to argue anyways. That being said, I still only have the one (and a half, technically) session under my belt, so this guide is going to be pretty bare at first, until I see a few more sessions.

So let's get started.


	2. Starting SBURB

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, what SBURB is, or any of the things I’ve mentioned, here’s a series of questions.

  1. Is there a new game that you might be playing or about to play with friends?
  2. If you have started playing said game, does it allow you to manipulate your coplayer’s environment?



I guess that’s kind of all of the questions I can come up with.

If you’ve said yes to these questions, then _you are (probably) playing the same game that I played_ . This game, whatever it’s called for you, (but I’ll call it SBURB because that’s what it was called for me) will result in the destruction of your planet. The sad thing is, it’s not just because you play the game. **It’s because the game exists in the first place**.

There’s some weird circuitous logic involved that makes it so that the game is unstoppable. If the game exists, you will eventually have to play it to escape the apocalypse it starts, which will happen regardless of whether you play it or not, because other people also play it. Essentially; you’re fucked.

So I’ll guide you through the process.

Step 1:  Finding a Co-player

SBURB is an inherently cooperative game, and thus in order to even begin you’ll need to find someone else to start the game with. You can technically play with only two people, but that would be very difficult. I **strongly** recommend finding at least a total of anywhere from 4-8 people. Any more might get hectic, but it is possible.

The process of connecting to another player is kind of unintuitive. There are two modes, essentially: Server and Client. The Server player is granted vision into the Client player's location as well as several tools to manipulate their environment. It's their job to give the Client player the tools needed to enter. On the other hand, the Client player is basically being given a tutorial level to the horrors of SBURB. There’s an order of things that you have to go through, and a timer involved. The timer will kill you when it counts down. Well, the timer itself won't actually kill you, but it's an ETA for a bigass fucking space rock that can and will squash you like some dumb teen throwing a brick at a nest of eggs.

Step 2:  Pre-Entry

(Another note from future Kat; turns out there's some variance across iterations of this game, so not everything I mention here will apply. Try to follow the logic though, because that seems to stay the same.) 

This shit is convoluted so I want to be as clear as possible.

There are a bunch of machines the server player has to drop somewhere around the Client. Try to group it in such a way that it's easy for the Client to access and maneuver around. The game expects the Client to figure out this weird process involving each of the machines. It's the same process for each player in the session, so once the first person enters you've all got the formula. Usually goes like this:

  1. Receive a weird plastic-y cylinder called a 'dowel'
  2. Prototype



**THIS STEP IS VERY IMPORTANT.** There will be something that you need to prototype; you need to give it something that will become your guide as well as empower your enemies. **Choose wisely, but choose something.** Failing to prototype results in a fucked session. Don't ask me to elaborate, I barely understand it myself.

  1. Bring the dowel over to the carvey thing, and use a punched card (or blueprint or whatever the game gives you) to carve the totem in a specific pattern.
  2. Use the carved totem (or blueprinted whatever) with whatever machine looks like it uses the dowel. It'll create something.
  3. Typically, it makes an object that serves as a sort of final puzzle for the tutorial. It's unique to every player, and there's some way you have to interact with it. In some cases it seems to come naturally to the player, but in others it never really makes sense.



That's the rough gist of Entry. But don't get comfortable. You're not out of the woods yet. (Like I mentioned before, there's some variance. Follow the general ideas.)

Step 3:  Post-Entry

Surprise! You're somewhere else now.

You just Entered the Medium, which is where the game takes place. You should also have received a guide now, in the form of your Sprite. If the ghosty thing can't talk, try prototyping it a second time, with something that CAN talk. That usually works.

Ask it whatever questions you have. I'll wait.

Now that you know the deal, make sure you grab something to defend yourself with. You'll need it.

This part of the Client's "gameplay" is essentially a tower defense game, except instead of preventing the bad guys from getting in, you have to grind baddies so your Server can get you out of your house. In like 30 minutes that place is going to be totally fucking swarmed. Kill the baddies you can beat and run from the ones you can't. You're going to want to get a better weapon somewhere along the way, likely from the convoluted alchemy system you used earlier. You've got to combine item codes, and I don't feel like explaining any more than that.

Basically, try to achieve as much violence as possible while prioritizing your own survival. The more materials you grind, the more your server player can help out. You'll also level up, because despite its horrific nature SBURB continues to be a video game. You won't notice it and you can't track it (until much later or through shenanigans), but you'll start getting better at your chosen weapon and you'll be able to take a few more hits. Stuff like that.

This whole entry section is getting longer than I would prefer. Lemme just summarize it one more time.

  * Find a coplayer
  * Solve the dumbass entry puzzle shit
  * Kill bad guys and loot the loot
  * Ascend your house as your coplayer builds upward (THIS MAY NOT APPLY)
  * Go through da portal



Once you go through your first portal you’ll be taken somewhere on your planet, and this is where the real meat of the game begins. Just do some exploring, you’ll find what you’re looking for soon.

* * *

Holy SHIT, that was all a lot more boring and long-winded than I intended. But honestly, if I'm sitting here watching this dude Eric try to kill an ogre with a clothes iron, you can sit here and read something that'll save your god damn life. It'll also end all other life on your planet, but ehhhdon'tworryaboutit.

I want to progress this guide in a way that makes sense with how you progress in the game, so I'm not really sure what the next section will be about. But there will be a next section, if my future self making edits to this thing is any indication.

(It is.)

Thank you, me.

(You're welcome!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this: gets a single note  
> me: :0


End file.
